Honesty in a Relationship Means Asking for What You Need

When we think about honesty in relationships, the focus is often on being truthful about our actions, feelings, or intentions. 

But there’s another form of honesty that’s just as important, yet often overlooked: the honesty of asking for what you need.

This applies to all kinds of relationships—romantic, co-parenting, friendships, even employer/employee dynamics. 

In a successful relationship, both people are committed to meeting each other’s needs as best as they can. If you want to stay in a relationship, it’s natural to want to meet the other person’s needs so they too will want to stay. At the same time, you want your needs met so that the relationship remains fulfilling for you as well.

But here’s the thing: if you never tell the other person what your needs are, you’re setting the relationship up to fail. 

You’re leaving it up to chance, hoping they’ll magically figure it out. 

And if your needs aren’t being met and you don’t voice that, you’re essentially allowing them to believe something that isn’t true. 

That’s not only unfair; it’s a form of dishonesty that can silently erode the foundation of the relationship.

The Hidden Dishonesty of Unspoken Needs

Imagine feeling disconnected from your partner, unappreciated by a co-parent, or overwhelmed at work. You’re dissatisfied, yet you keep it to yourself, hoping things will change. 

Then, one day, you wake up and decide you’ve had enough. 

The other person is blindsided—they had no idea things had gotten this bad. I see this pattern frequently in mediation: one partner says they were caught off guard by the end of the marriage, while the other insists, “But I told you I was unhappy!”

Here’s the problem: voicing unhappiness is only the first step. Simply saying, “I’m not happy,” isn’t enough. 

You have to follow that with, “Here’s what I need to feel better. Can we come up with a plan together?” Without that crucial piece, you’re pointing out a problem without offering any way to resolve it.

A Lesson I Learned the Hard Way

This is something I had to learn the hard way. 

When I ended my first marriage, I remember telling my husband that I felt disconnected and unhappy. But looking back, I see now that while I expressed my dissatisfaction, I never clearly articulated what I needed from him to feel more connected.

In hindsight, I realize that I had set him up to fail without even knowing it. 

I was expecting him to read my mind, and when he couldn’t, I took it as proof that he didn’t care enough. 

It took years—and a lot of inner work—for me to recognize how unfair that was, both to him and to myself. If I had known then what I know now, I would have approached that situation very differently.

The Mistake of Expecting One Person to Meet All Your Needs

One of the biggest misconceptions we have is expecting one person to fulfill all of our needs. 

Psychotherapist and author Esther Perel describes this beautifully: “Today, we expect one person to give us what an entire village once provided.” It’s no wonder that so many relationships crumble under this unrealistic pressure.

In reality, part of getting your needs met is recognizing which ones belong within the relationship and which are best fulfilled elsewhere. 

For example, I need connection with like-minded women. 

That’s not something my partner can provide, nor should he be expected to. But he can support me in nurturing those friendships because he understands that it’s an essential part of my well-being.

Creating a Joint Plan

Once you identify your needs, the next step is to work with the other person to find a way to meet those needs together. 

This involves asking questions like, “How can I make it easier for you to give me what I need?” 

It’s about turning the meeting of needs into a joint problem to solve.

The goal is to create a plan that acknowledges both of your needs and respects each other’s limits. 

It’s a collaborative process that ensures neither person feels burdened, selfish, or resentful.

What Gets in the Way of Asking for What You Need?

But let’s be honest—asking for what you need isn’t always easy. 

There are several reasons why we hold back:

• Fear of Rejection or Conflict: Many people are afraid that voicing their needs will lead to conflict or push the other person away. You might fear that if you ask for more quality time, it will be met with frustration or indifference.
• Not Taking the Time to Identify Your Needs: Often, we don’t ask for what we need because we haven’t taken the time to figure it out ourselves. We feel unhappy or frustrated, but we’re not sure what would actually make things better. It’s crucial to spend time getting clear on what’s missing so you can articulate it.
• Overwhelm and Stress: Parenting, job pressures, or caring for aging parents can leave you feeling like you’re just trying to survive each day. You might feel so overwhelmed that identifying and communicating your needs seems like an added burden. But holding back only leads to more frustration in the long run.

Taking Ownership of Your Needs

At the end of the day, honesty in a relationship means taking responsibility for your own happiness. 

At the end of the day, honesty in a relationship means taking responsibility for your own happiness. It means being clear about what you need, being brave enough to ask for it, and working together to find ways to make it happen. But it also means recognizing when something isn’t working and being willing to course-correct.

If you’re struggling to identify your needs or feeling stuck in a pattern of unspoken expectations, I’m here to help. Whether it’s through relationship coaching or mediation, my goal is to guide you toward a more intentional, fulfilling partnership.

Reach out if you’re ready to take that step. Because you deserve a relationship where your needs are truly heard and honored.