A Post-Divorce Father’s Day Message for Mothers (and Fathers too!)

Father’s Day is this Sunday.

Now that you are separated or divorced, maybe you’re thinking YOUR father is the only man you need to be thinking about.

The days of needing to help your toddlers with fingerpainting projects or nudging your teens to pick up a card for Dad are over.

Or are they…?

Father's Day, Mother's Day, or any special occasion can be challenging in a co-parenting situation. You might feel that celebrating your ex-spouse isn't your responsibility anymore.

However, I invite you to think about this from your child's perspective.

Helping your child celebrate Father's Day is more about them than it is about their father.

 Here are five reasons why this is so important:

1. Avoiding Loyalty Conflicts: Loyalty conflict is a term used to describe what happens when a child feels torn between their love for both parents. It’s a sneaky monster in that well-meaning parents can easily create a loyalty conflict unintentionally, and it’s very harmful to children and their development. Helping your child celebrate Father's Day is a proactive (and simple) way to avoid this conflict. It gives your child permission to "love both parents out loud". This shows your child that it’s okay to love both parents, without feeling like they must choose sides. When a child doesn't feel pressured to pick one parent over the other, they can develop healthier relationships with both.
2. Teaching Appreciation: As parents, we want our children to grow into grateful and appreciative adults. Encouraging them to show appreciation for their fathers, stepfathers, and grandfathers on Father's Day instills these values in them. It's about teaching your child the importance of recognizing and valuing the contributions of others. This lesson in gratitude and appreciation will serve them well throughout their lives, fostering positive relationships and a more empathetic outlook.
3. Extending an Olive Branch: Father's Day can be an opportunity to improve the relationship between you and your co-parent. By helping your child create a gift or make a plan to celebrate their father, you’re indirectly showing appreciation for the role he plays in your child's life. This simple act can be a significant step towards a more amicable co-parenting relationship. Even if there have been difficulties in the past, this gesture can help build a bridge and open up lines of communication that may have been closed.
4. Expanding the Concept of Family: Helping your child celebrate all the paternal figures in their life, including stepfathers and grandfathers, teaches them that family extends beyond biological connections. It’s about showing up for the people who love and support us. This expanded view of family fosters a sense of community and belonging, helping your child understand that love and support can come from many places and that these relationships are to be cherished and respected.
5. Supporting Older Children: Even older children might need a little help to show their appreciation for their father and father figures. Offering to assist them in planning or financing a gift can show them that their values and obligations are important to you as well. By supporting them in their efforts, you reinforce the importance of these relationships and provide a model of generosity and thoughtfulness.

Now, you might be wondering how to put these ideas into practice. Here are some practical tips:

• Help Your Child Create a Gift: This doesn't have to be expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Even a small, thoughtful gesture like a handmade card can mean a lot. Encouraging your child to make something personal shows them that gifts don’t have to cost a lot to be meaningful.
• Encourage Time Together: Depending on the situation, help facilitate time for your child to spend with their father on Father's Day, even if it means adjusting your usual schedule. This time spent together is invaluable for building memories and strengthening their bond.
• Give Permission to Love: Encourage your child to show love to all the paternal figures in their life. This teaches them that it's okay to have multiple important relationships. By giving them this permission, you are fostering an environment of love and acceptance.
• Extend Financial Support if Needed: For older children, especially during these financially tough times, offer to help with the costs associated with Father's Day gifts. This support can alleviate their stress and allow them to focus on the sentiment behind the gift.
• Maintain a Positive Attitude: Keep the day happy and stress-free. Put aside any conflicts and focus on creating a positive environment for your child. Make it easy for your child to prioritize their relationship with their father without worrying that you will feel slighted. Your positive attitude will set the tone for the day and help your child enjoy the celebration.

Father's Day is a perfect opportunity to show your child that it’s okay to love all the important men in their life.

It’s a day for you to love on your child by supporting their significant relationships and showing them how to appreciate and celebrate those who matter to them.

Remember, this isn't just about the fathers; it’s about creating a loving, supportive environment for your child.

Your child will appreciate you for it. xo

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